Can Obedience Feel Like Failure?

by Buston

I don’t know if anyone really prepares you for this part of the journey, the part where following God doesn’t feel like soaring on wings like eagles… it feels more like watching everyone else take off while you’re still stuck on the ground.

Most people hear “missionary pilot” and imagine adventure, impact, purpose. And honestly, that’s what I imagined too. I had this picture in my mind of flying into remote places, helping people, serving God with everything in me. It was simple back then, hear God, obey, and the path unfolds.

But nobody talks about the chapters where obedience feels like you made a mistake.

I’ve put so much into this calling. The late nights studying. The long days training. The sacrifices. The waiting. The hoping. The praying. Coming from where I started — from the slums — chasing this dream has already felt like a miracle. But dreams are expensive. Purpose is heavy. And obedience… obedience costs more than I expected.

When I said “yes” to this path, I didn’t think I’d still be here, watching the cost of training climb higher than what I have. I didn’t think I’d reach a point where I’ve done everything I can — the flight operations program, the early steps, only to run into walls I can’t move by myself.

Some days, obedience feels like taking one step forward and fifteen steps backward.

Some days, it feels like watching everyone else get their PPL, their CPL, their type ratings… while I’m still trying to find scholarship doors that don’t exist, or organizations that don’t fund the very thing God put in my heart.

Some days, I sit with my own thoughts and wonder:

“Did I mishear God?”

“Why would He call me to something so far out of my reach?”

“Why does obedience feel like I’m losing time, losing ground, losing faith?”

I know people mean well when they say, “If God calls you, He’ll provide.” But what do you do in the space between the calling and the provision? When the calling is clear but the resources aren’t? When the passion is real but the progress isn’t? When obedience doesn’t feel like walking on water, it feels like sinking?

I haven’t stopped believing. But I won’t lie, it’s heavy.

The truth is, I’m writing this from the middle. I’m not flying yet. I’m not fully funded. I’m not on the mission field. I’m still here trying to figure out the next step, the next payment, the next open door. I’m still trying to obey God without pretending it’s easy.

I don’t have the testimony ending yet. I don’t have the “breakthrough” paragraph. I don’t have the “miracle provision” story. I don’t have the neat bow that ties this all together.

What I have is the tension. The tension of knowing you’re called… and feeling stuck. Of obeying… and feeling like it set you backwards. Of trusting… and not seeing anything move.

No one preaches about this part.

But maybe it deserves a voice too.

Maybe someone out there is in the same in-between.

Maybe you also said “yes” and now you’re sitting in the silence afterward, wondering why obedience looks so much like failure.

I don’t know how my story unfolds from here. I only know I’m still showing up. Still praying. Still believing. Still trying to obey, even when it feels like I’m losing more than I’m gaining.

And maybe, just maybe… that’s enough for now.

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